I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
