i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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