This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
