I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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