Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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