How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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