Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
