By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
