its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
