She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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