I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
