Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
