Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
