On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
