How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
