My sheets look like a crime scene.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
