You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
