We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
