no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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