Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
