You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
