Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
