i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
