Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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