Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
