A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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