Just fell off a train. Bad.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
