No more Irish car bombs ever.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
