Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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