I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
