You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
