Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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