Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
