Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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