someone threw a dead crab at me
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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