I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
