I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
