Only a mothe r could love this liver
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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