forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
