I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
