Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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