It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
