i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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