$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
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