my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
