Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
