Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I need to wash the frat house off of me
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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