There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
