well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
