You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
