I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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