I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Boobs are out for the taking
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
