I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
All I want is dick and wine.
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